The radio stations up here went Christmas Crazy the day after Thanksgiving, filling the airwaves with Good Tidings of Great Joy. Christmas greetings may be politically incorrect but they are apparently big bucks on radio, with every station competing to be the ORIGINAL! or ONLY! authentic Holiday Station for the area. As a tribute to all that is good about Christmas I'm sharing my Worst Christmas Songs list. Now you can find other lists here, here, and here, but these are some of my personal nightmares. You're entitled to your own opinion, wrong as it may be.
"Dominick The Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey)", Lou Monte, 1997. I just had to add this one for novelty value. I've never heard it. Nor do I want to.
"Baby It's Cold Outside", by anyone who ever made a Christmas album. Face it, everybody knows what this song is about. That just makes it worse than bad.
"Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas", John Denver, 1975. I can't stand anything John Denver does. I had an interview with an A&M Records exec years ago when our band was shopping a demo tape and I asked him about two artists: The Carpenters and John Denver. The Carpenters stunk in concert because they couldn't duplicate their overdubbed vocals from their albums; John Denver didn't live in rural Colorado but in a downtown Denver condo. And his songs were ghostwritten. Please, Daddy, Don't Play John Denver This Christmas.
"Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto", James Brown, 1995. AAAEEEEEE (spin around on one foot while your cape flies behind you). Try and find this one in the Christmas music section this year. It ain't happening. James Brown is to Christmas music as Congress is to progress.
"Feliz Navidad", Jose Feliciano (and countless others). I'll hear it several times this season. And my head will explode each time. Sing it now: I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, From the bottom.
"All I Want For Christmas", Mariah Carey. Unbearable at any volume. She and Celine Dion sound like somebody killing a cat.
"Christmas Shoes", NewSong. It's a sad story. It brings tears to your eyes. It has nothing to do with Christmas. At all.
"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", Elmo and Patsy. Love it or hate it, it's outsold "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. I am not making this up. On the other side, it's always a hit in the mountains where I live.
"Santa Baby", Madonna, 1987. Not even close to Eartha Kitt, whose version I really like. Madonna should not sing Christmas songs. Or any songs, for that matter. Or adopt children. The list goes on and on and on.
"A Wonderful Christmastime", Paul McCartney, 1979. When I hear the first bars of this song I know Yuletide is near. I just hope a trash can is near as well.
"Happy Christmas (War Is Over)", John Lennon/Yoko Ono. John Lennon could take "Happy Birthday" and make it tragic. Again, my head explodes, my stomach cramps up, and I have difficulty breathing. Then I turn the radio off and vow never to listen to that station again. Ever.
There are more, I'm sure, but this is my list. Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The Intraweb 8-Ball
Remember the "Magic 8-Ball" when you were growing up? You put your chin on the top, ask it a question, flip it over and get a liquid-filled answer displayed at the bottom. Like "Not Today" or "Maybe" or "Absolutely". Well, the next best thing is on the Intraweb.
This site will tell you what the Web thinks about anyone or anything, based upon available search engine results. Just put in the term and turn it loose. The results are divided into three categories: Positive, Negative, and Don't Care. Since we live in perilous times I didn't want to waste effort on trivial subjects, so I put in items of concern to everyone.
Let's go.
Republicans--70.9% Negative.
Conservatives--58.8% Negative.
Democrats--98.7% Don't Care.
Liberals--86.8% Negative.
Between Republicans and Democrats, Conservatives and Liberals, 315.2% either hate 'em or could care less. Kick 'em all out.
Barack Obama--94.7% Don't Care. I see a trend here.
United States--86.5% Positive.
Elvis Presley--99.7% Positive.
Michael Jackson--60.9% Negative. (Just kidding; that was actually Richard Nixon's rating. The Gloved One's was 54.4% Positive. But the King is, by a wide margin, still the King.)
Jesus Christ--93.1% Positive.
Christianity--63.9% Negative. Positive about Christ, Negative about Christians. It's like the bumper sticker that says "I Love Jesus--It's His Followers I Can't Stand".
Mohammed--86.5% Positive.
Muslims--72.5% Negative. Must be a religious epidemic.
Now on to the really important stuff. I put in the names of my friends (all three) and, believe it or not, the web, according to the site, "not quite sure" about them. Neither am I.
Except for one. Mike Ruffin, that great theologian, has a 100% Positive rating. He must have paid somebody for his one result on Google.
So I put my name in. The Intraweb is--wait for it--"not quite sure" about me.
Neither am I.
This site will tell you what the Web thinks about anyone or anything, based upon available search engine results. Just put in the term and turn it loose. The results are divided into three categories: Positive, Negative, and Don't Care. Since we live in perilous times I didn't want to waste effort on trivial subjects, so I put in items of concern to everyone.
Let's go.
Republicans--70.9% Negative.
Conservatives--58.8% Negative.
Democrats--98.7% Don't Care.
Liberals--86.8% Negative.
Between Republicans and Democrats, Conservatives and Liberals, 315.2% either hate 'em or could care less. Kick 'em all out.
Barack Obama--94.7% Don't Care. I see a trend here.
United States--86.5% Positive.
Elvis Presley--99.7% Positive.
Michael Jackson--60.9% Negative. (Just kidding; that was actually Richard Nixon's rating. The Gloved One's was 54.4% Positive. But the King is, by a wide margin, still the King.)
Jesus Christ--93.1% Positive.
Christianity--63.9% Negative. Positive about Christ, Negative about Christians. It's like the bumper sticker that says "I Love Jesus--It's His Followers I Can't Stand".
Mohammed--86.5% Positive.
Muslims--72.5% Negative. Must be a religious epidemic.
Now on to the really important stuff. I put in the names of my friends (all three) and, believe it or not, the web, according to the site, "not quite sure" about them. Neither am I.
Except for one. Mike Ruffin, that great theologian, has a 100% Positive rating. He must have paid somebody for his one result on Google.
So I put my name in. The Intraweb is--wait for it--"not quite sure" about me.
Neither am I.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
When Pigs Fly...
...they apparently have Paula Deen in their crosshairs.
The "Lady" from "Lady and Sons" fame was whacked in the nose by a flying ham in Atlanta yesterday and, as BREAKING! news goes in the big city it made the top of the AJC's website.
Jennie, Emily, and Megs are in Atlanta today. Getting their hair did.
I warned them to stay away from all pork products. And any woman with high white hair. You never know when either, or both, are swine flu carriers. And even though medical spokespeople say the virus is not airborne, yesterday's incident proves otherwise. So if you see flying bacon strips, sausage patties, or butt roasts, run away.
It's for your own good.
The "Lady" from "Lady and Sons" fame was whacked in the nose by a flying ham in Atlanta yesterday and, as BREAKING! news goes in the big city it made the top of the AJC's website.
Jennie, Emily, and Megs are in Atlanta today. Getting their hair did.
I warned them to stay away from all pork products. And any woman with high white hair. You never know when either, or both, are swine flu carriers. And even though medical spokespeople say the virus is not airborne, yesterday's incident proves otherwise. So if you see flying bacon strips, sausage patties, or butt roasts, run away.
It's for your own good.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving 2009.
I'm thankful...
...that I'm cancer free.
...that I have my wife, my children, my Mama, and my sister.
...that for the first time in several years my children are all home together for a few days. You should see their mama. I'm thankful just watching her as she enjoys them.
...that I have ajob an opportunity to work (that's the car business).
...for being in a church that is unashamed and uninhibited in its love for Jesus.
...for God's faithfulness. Even when it seems I can't hold on, He never lets me go.
...for good friends. Sometimes they're like women: can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. But I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.
...for precious memories.
...for the way Mama and Daddy raised me. Though there have been times I lived like I didn't know right from wrong, it wasn't their fault. They taught me better.
...for the past. Forgetting the bad, cherishing the good, remembering the lessons.
...for the future. I tell my wife, as a reminder, that the rest of our life will be the best of our life.
...for the present. Every day I wake up next to my sweetheart is a good day.
...for the heritage, handed down through generations before me, that make all that's good in me...well, good.
...for the Bulldogs, Seminoles, and college football in general. Except UF and Notre Dame. UF is obvious, Notre Dame is a longstanding loathing.
...for another year in which, as I look back, I have been extremely blessed. In spite of myself and certainly in spite of the circumstances.
For all these things, and untold others, I am...thankful.
I'm thankful...
...that I'm cancer free.
...that I have my wife, my children, my Mama, and my sister.
...that for the first time in several years my children are all home together for a few days. You should see their mama. I'm thankful just watching her as she enjoys them.
...that I have a
...for being in a church that is unashamed and uninhibited in its love for Jesus.
...for God's faithfulness. Even when it seems I can't hold on, He never lets me go.
...for good friends. Sometimes they're like women: can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. But I wouldn't trade my friends for anything in the world.
...for precious memories.
...for the way Mama and Daddy raised me. Though there have been times I lived like I didn't know right from wrong, it wasn't their fault. They taught me better.
...for the past. Forgetting the bad, cherishing the good, remembering the lessons.
...for the future. I tell my wife, as a reminder, that the rest of our life will be the best of our life.
...for the present. Every day I wake up next to my sweetheart is a good day.
...for the heritage, handed down through generations before me, that make all that's good in me...well, good.
...for the Bulldogs, Seminoles, and college football in general. Except UF and Notre Dame. UF is obvious, Notre Dame is a longstanding loathing.
...for another year in which, as I look back, I have been extremely blessed. In spite of myself and certainly in spite of the circumstances.
For all these things, and untold others, I am...thankful.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Leggo My Eggo--We're Running Out
I make no secret of the fact that I love Waffle House. And it's a good thing.
The Kellogg plant in Atlanta that made Eggo waffles was flooded during our Noah's Ark period a few weeks back, which, coupled with a bacterial problem, caused a nationwide shortage in packaged waffles. That's right. If you think gas is expensive, just wait until you approach the Frozen Foods section in your local Publix. They'll be rationing the Eggos before long.
My children consumed thousands of Eggo waffles when they were growing up. Now you can say that I, as their father, should have realized that breakfast, as the most important meal of the day, should have consisted of more than frozen waffles and maple-flavored syrup.
To which I reply, "Shut up."
Eggo waffles contained--and I quote--"wheat, eggs, and milk". I'd work hard at the toaster and serve my little ones the healthy breakfast, teary-eyed from love for them and the fact that I could catch most of Sports Center. The latest scores and a hot breakfast. All the things you need to start a grrreeaaaat day. Wait a minute, that's Frosted Flakes. Another nutritious breakfast waiting to be served.
If I had exposed my kids to Waffle House before they knew about Eggos it would have been a financial catastrophe. I'd be broker than I am now if they had only known about the Yellow Room Cafe. And they'd each be bigger than the side of a barn.
But I knew. And I'd sneak WH in as often as possible.
Me and The House go way back. My cousin managed one of the first Waffle Houses. It was in Morrow, Georgia, in Clayton County. Back when Clayton County was a destination to be desired and not a joke to be told.
Fill me up, please, with a Ham and Cheese Omelet, Hash Browns Smothered and Covered, with a Waffle on the side. I'll unbuckle my belt and have at it.
I'll leggo my Eggo. I won't be holding on too tight.
The Kellogg plant in Atlanta that made Eggo waffles was flooded during our Noah's Ark period a few weeks back, which, coupled with a bacterial problem, caused a nationwide shortage in packaged waffles. That's right. If you think gas is expensive, just wait until you approach the Frozen Foods section in your local Publix. They'll be rationing the Eggos before long.
My children consumed thousands of Eggo waffles when they were growing up. Now you can say that I, as their father, should have realized that breakfast, as the most important meal of the day, should have consisted of more than frozen waffles and maple-flavored syrup.
To which I reply, "Shut up."
Eggo waffles contained--and I quote--"wheat, eggs, and milk". I'd work hard at the toaster and serve my little ones the healthy breakfast, teary-eyed from love for them and the fact that I could catch most of Sports Center. The latest scores and a hot breakfast. All the things you need to start a grrreeaaaat day. Wait a minute, that's Frosted Flakes. Another nutritious breakfast waiting to be served.
If I had exposed my kids to Waffle House before they knew about Eggos it would have been a financial catastrophe. I'd be broker than I am now if they had only known about the Yellow Room Cafe. And they'd each be bigger than the side of a barn.
But I knew. And I'd sneak WH in as often as possible.
Me and The House go way back. My cousin managed one of the first Waffle Houses. It was in Morrow, Georgia, in Clayton County. Back when Clayton County was a destination to be desired and not a joke to be told.
Fill me up, please, with a Ham and Cheese Omelet, Hash Browns Smothered and Covered, with a Waffle on the side. I'll unbuckle my belt and have at it.
I'll leggo my Eggo. I won't be holding on too tight.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over.
"Jon and Kate Plus Eight" will mercifully end its television run Monday night.
It's about time.
As the couple's marital troubles became more and more public my son said TLC should rename the show "Jon Plus Four, Kate Plus Four".
Jennie and I watched the show when it began, captivated by the family's story. And by the fact that the parents were professing Christians.
The series showed them going to church, talking about God in their lives, and the love they had for their children. Then it got ugly.
Eventually, the truth about anyone will come out, almost always in a crisis, and usually at the worst possible time. And everyone will end up knowing.
In the Gosselins' case, looking back, it appears they were asking for it.
Kate, the Baby Momma, came across as petulant and whiny. Early on you could attribute that to post-partum depression. But I'm reminded of a scene in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles when Steve Martin and John Candy are waiting for a cousin to give them a ride. Now this is not verbatim, but the cousin drives up, gets out of his truck, spits, and orders his wife to get in the back of the truck with the young'uns. When Martin's character protests, the cousin spits again and states "She's had a passel of young'uns and never screamed or nuthin'", at which point the wife and kids get in the truck bed with the hogs.
Kate could've learned from that movie. Instead she chose to berate and emasculate her husband in front of the whole country. What a woman.
On the other hand, Jon, the Baby Daddy, appeared wimpy and whiny as well (do you see a pattern here?). He seethed silently while grudgingly spending time with his eight children, barely tolerating his wife or them. After a while it was painfully obvious that he didn't want to be around his kids. Or his wife.
The couple had twins first (with some help from a fertility clinic) and then came the other six. The Gosselins said they went back to the clinic because they wanted one more child.
Surprise!
(As an aside, Jennie and I were talking this morning about when her younger sister was born--Thanksgiving season. She said her mama thought she had a stomach virus. Some virus.)
Just a thought here. If you couldn't bear children on your own, couldn't that be a sign that maybe you weren't supposed to have any? Sounds cold, I know, but hindsight lends validity to that theory. I'm just sayin'.
After a while the show deteriorated into what looked like a house full of preschoolers, from the babies to the parents. It was like they were taking crazy pills. I know I felt like I was.
Stuff like that just wears you out after a while. He said, she said, and eight innocents caught in the middle of all of it.
Fast-forward ten years, when the children are teenagers. This saga isn't over yet. Consequences of our decisions reverberate through generations if someone, somewhere, doesn't step up, take responsibility, and stop the madness. Parents have to stop being selfish, grow up, and give their kids a different legacy than the one that's being handed down here.
So maybe our viewing the nightmare has finished. But I fear for these children it's far from over.
And "Kate Plus Eight" is scheduled to begin production in early 2010. Great.
It's about time.
As the couple's marital troubles became more and more public my son said TLC should rename the show "Jon Plus Four, Kate Plus Four".
Jennie and I watched the show when it began, captivated by the family's story. And by the fact that the parents were professing Christians.
The series showed them going to church, talking about God in their lives, and the love they had for their children. Then it got ugly.
Eventually, the truth about anyone will come out, almost always in a crisis, and usually at the worst possible time. And everyone will end up knowing.
In the Gosselins' case, looking back, it appears they were asking for it.
Kate, the Baby Momma, came across as petulant and whiny. Early on you could attribute that to post-partum depression. But I'm reminded of a scene in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles when Steve Martin and John Candy are waiting for a cousin to give them a ride. Now this is not verbatim, but the cousin drives up, gets out of his truck, spits, and orders his wife to get in the back of the truck with the young'uns. When Martin's character protests, the cousin spits again and states "She's had a passel of young'uns and never screamed or nuthin'", at which point the wife and kids get in the truck bed with the hogs.
Kate could've learned from that movie. Instead she chose to berate and emasculate her husband in front of the whole country. What a woman.
On the other hand, Jon, the Baby Daddy, appeared wimpy and whiny as well (do you see a pattern here?). He seethed silently while grudgingly spending time with his eight children, barely tolerating his wife or them. After a while it was painfully obvious that he didn't want to be around his kids. Or his wife.
The couple had twins first (with some help from a fertility clinic) and then came the other six. The Gosselins said they went back to the clinic because they wanted one more child.
Surprise!
(As an aside, Jennie and I were talking this morning about when her younger sister was born--Thanksgiving season. She said her mama thought she had a stomach virus. Some virus.)
Just a thought here. If you couldn't bear children on your own, couldn't that be a sign that maybe you weren't supposed to have any? Sounds cold, I know, but hindsight lends validity to that theory. I'm just sayin'.
After a while the show deteriorated into what looked like a house full of preschoolers, from the babies to the parents. It was like they were taking crazy pills. I know I felt like I was.
Stuff like that just wears you out after a while. He said, she said, and eight innocents caught in the middle of all of it.
Fast-forward ten years, when the children are teenagers. This saga isn't over yet. Consequences of our decisions reverberate through generations if someone, somewhere, doesn't step up, take responsibility, and stop the madness. Parents have to stop being selfish, grow up, and give their kids a different legacy than the one that's being handed down here.
So maybe our viewing the nightmare has finished. But I fear for these children it's far from over.
And "Kate Plus Eight" is scheduled to begin production in early 2010. Great.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Jim Axel
Jim Axel, news anchor for WAGA TV when I was a child, died Saturday at age 75.
He was one of those news people you could believe. He looked you in the eye and told you what it was, whether it was good or not.
He worked in the days of TV News authority, not the current "we report, you decide" mentality. Jim Axel reported, decided, and you could take it or leave it.
My family watched Channel 5 Eyewitness News almost exclusively. Probably more for Ed Thilenius' sports (he was from my hometown), and Guy Sharpe's weather (he was from The Rock, Georgia, halfway between Barnesville and Thomaston).
But they didn't call Jim Axel (what a name!) the "anchor" for nothing. He opened the newscast, hovered throughout, and closed it when it was over. There was no "co-anchor" to throw it to. He was tough but compassionate, no-nonsense and humorous when it was called for. One of those men who pass through but once.
Why all the fuss over a retired newsman? Read it again. From my perspective Jim Axel was a man's man. Just what we needed then.
And need more now.
He was one of those news people you could believe. He looked you in the eye and told you what it was, whether it was good or not.
He worked in the days of TV News authority, not the current "we report, you decide" mentality. Jim Axel reported, decided, and you could take it or leave it.
My family watched Channel 5 Eyewitness News almost exclusively. Probably more for Ed Thilenius' sports (he was from my hometown), and Guy Sharpe's weather (he was from The Rock, Georgia, halfway between Barnesville and Thomaston).
But they didn't call Jim Axel (what a name!) the "anchor" for nothing. He opened the newscast, hovered throughout, and closed it when it was over. There was no "co-anchor" to throw it to. He was tough but compassionate, no-nonsense and humorous when it was called for. One of those men who pass through but once.
Why all the fuss over a retired newsman? Read it again. From my perspective Jim Axel was a man's man. Just what we needed then.
And need more now.
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