Sarcasm Is A Gift

Don't ever doubt it. Here's what I mean:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

The idea 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'
proves two things. 1) UFOs have landed here, and 2) the idea obviously came from another planet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.