Thursday, January 29, 2009

Prestige Letters

It hit me this morning that so, so many people are using letters after their names when they write letters or articles, on the signs outside their office or business.

To quote that great theologian Buckwheat, "What do it mean?"

Letters were rarer when I was younger. I remember Dr. Henry and Dr. Crawford, both M.D.s. I knew what the letters meant but I preferred to think they meant "My Doctor."

The church I attend has a pastor whose name appears on the weekly bulletin followed by "M. Div." I know what these letters mean: Master of Divinity. While the uninformed may think these letters have to do with a Southern candy delicacy, I know better. They show the person having them spent a lot of money, time, and effort in grad school only to end up with a few letters to show for it.

And then there's "D.D.S". Dentists have these letters. I don't like to go to the dentist. Years ago, a dentist pulling one of my wisdom teeth broke my jaw. First he put a steel piece in my mouth that he ratcheted open until I thought my lips were going to meet at the back of my head. Then he gave me several anesthesia shots in my jaw so I wouldn't feel anything. After that he took an air hammer and proceeded to extract the tooth in question. During this process he paused, leaned back and said, "I think I broke your jaw." I replied, "Whhaaant do nyeuw neene nyeuw nroke ny nyaw?" He didn't answer. I realized then these letters stood for "Damn, Dentists Suck."

I like what Lewis Grizzard said about his dentist. He said the dental hygienist was so beautiful that he'd eat an entire box of Oreos before he went in to get his teeth cleaned.

My urologist is an "M.D., F.A.C.S.". I have no idea. He'll be operating on me soon, so I'm sure it has something to do with inflicting great pain on a couple of body areas I don't want to have pain in, after which the operating room staff will survey his work and proclaim "Fine Ass-Cutting, Sir". I can't wait.

I've decided to get some letters of my own. I'll now display my name on anything followed by "SAWB, AMWL". Smart-Ass White Boy, A Man Without Letters.

I'm proud of that. I earned it.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Believe...

A friend of mine sent this to me, and it's too good not to share:

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Resume Idiocy

Actual information on resumes, from, via Interesting Pile

1. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
2. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
3. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
4. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
5. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
6. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
7. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
8. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
9. I am a rabid typist.
10. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
11. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
12. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
13. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
14. Special skills: Thyping.
15. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
16. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
17. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
18. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
19. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
20. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
21. Referees available upon request.
22. Previous rank: Senior instigator.
23. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
24. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
25. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
26. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
27. Vocational plans: Sea World.

And we wonder why unemployment is so high.

If this is the future, I'm looking forward to the next fity years.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Elvisity of It All

Elvis changed my life.

Well, Jesus changed it first, when I was seven, but Elvis wasn't far behind.

I'm not putting the two on par with each other, as some do. But the King of Rock and Roll was important to a true Southern boy growing up.

I had a toy tennis racket that Mama tied a string around so I could pretend I was playing a guitar, and off I went to Memphis to play with Elvis.

Hound Dog? No problem, you ain't nothing but a. Blue Suede Shoes? Don't step on 'em. Are You Lonesome Tonight? I can help out. Return to Sender? No such zone, no such code.

I was infected with a hip problem...mine wouldn't stop moving, and my leg swiveled when I sang.

It wasn't always cool to love Elvis, but I didn't care. I had the one-two-three-four, operation G.I. Blues.

I wasn't old enough to understand all about love, but I knew the King did. If only he had married Ann-Margret for real and not just in "Viva Las Vegas". If only.

I drove his race car, flew his helicopter, wore his clothes. I was the King, a few years and miles away from the actual person. All my friends wanted to be Elvis, but they were just poor impersonators. I had it down and wasn't ashamed of it. I could sneer, lip up, and sing his songs by heart.

I was on the beach at Daytona in the early 70's, laying on the sand after coming out of the ocean, when I felt a shadow over me. This older lady was standing there and she said, "Does anybody ever tell you that you look like Elvis?"

I said, "Thank you, thank you very much."

When Elvis left the building for the last time in 1977, my best friend heard it before I did and was hesitant to tell me because he knew how much I loved him. He pulled me aside that afternoon and told me "the King's gone, man."

Not as long as I'm around, he's not.

My daughter loves Elvis, thinks he's beautiful, and wants to know if I think he's in heaven.

I saw him in concert once and someone yelled out, "You're the King!" He replied, "There's only one King, and that's Jesus."

Is he in heaven? Absolutely. He was raised right before he was raised on rock, a church-going, Jesus-loving Southern boy. Black velvet and angel wings.

He once said that all he ever really wanted to do was sing gospel music. I guess now he is, over in the Promised Land.

Suspicious Minds? You know I'd never lie to you, baby.

Thankyouthankyouverymuch, Elvis. Happy Birthday.