Actual information on resumes, from MadConomist.com, via Interesting Pile
1. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
2. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
3. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
4. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
5. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
6. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
7. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
8. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
9. I am a rabid typist.
10. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
11. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
12. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
13. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
14. Special skills: Thyping.
15. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
16. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
17. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
18. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
19. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
20. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
21. Referees available upon request.
22. Previous rank: Senior instigator.
23. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
24. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
25. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
26. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
27. Vocational plans: Sea World.
And we wonder why unemployment is so high.
If this is the future, I'm looking forward to the next fity years.