Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Thought I Wuz Smart, Part Two

I found out just today that researchers have released an index which reveals the brainiest--and dumbest--states in America.


Without commentary, here are the top ten most "brain-healthy" states, in descending order:

Washington, D.C, Maryland, Washington State, Vermont, Connecticut, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Maine, New Hampshire.

The bottom ten? Indiana, North Dakota, South Carolina, Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Oklahoma, and, in dead last, Louisiana.

Now the commentary: who the hell did these tests?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the National Institutes of Health, and the Bureau of Labor Statistics, that's who.

Before you think these entities are located inside the D.C. Beltway, think again. CDC? Atlanta, Georgia. NIH? Bethesda, Maryland. Department of Labor? Washington, D.C.

Of course they'd put the CDC in Atlanta. So the latest, and all future, epidemics would come from the South. But I digress.

Let's get the top ten out of the way first. Did you notice that the list chose to distinguish between Washington, D.C. and Washington State? I'm not impressed, since only a moron wouldn't know when you list D.C. first that it stands to reason that the next "state" you mention by the name of Washington would be the one on the West Coast. And--AND--when did D.C. become a state?

We dummies take college football teams as a good barometer of a state's intelligence. Maryland, Vermont, Connecticut, Colorado, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Maine, and New Hampshire all have outstanding college football teams. I just don't know who they are. Wait, that's not entirely true--Colorado has the Buffaloes. Number 6 on the smart list was brilliant enough to have a live bovine as their mascot, right up until some genius allowed it to get loose and it impaled somebody. Maryland has the Terps (those great thinkers chose one of the slowest creatures on earth as its mascot) and Massachusetts has the Boston College Eagles. Their mascot--and I am not making this up--is named Baldwin the Eagle. Vermont has Ben and Jerry's. I don't eat their ice cream. I can't see putting money into the pockets of people who think I'm an idiot.

Enough already. Time for the bottom ten.

Notice that Georgia is not on this list. I am extremely proud of that fact, and I don't care to know where they placed. However, the fact that seven of the ten bottom-dwellers are from the SEC makes a loud statement.

Know their state nicknames? We've had this lesson before. South Carolina is the Palmetto State, Arkansas is the Natural State, Tennessee's the Volunteer State, Alabama is the Moron State...well, you get the picture.

If I was smart, I'd think there was a conspiracy afoot against the South. But I'm not smart.

I only thought I wuz.

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