Saturday, March 24, 2012

I Asked Myself...

Since there is no shortage of opinions on current affairs, and since no one has seen fit to tap my vast Opinion Resource Vault, I took it upon myself to ask me what I thought about what's going on.

ME:  Why are gas prices so high?
ME:  Because they can be.  Everybody thinks the oil companies are to blame, but noooooo.  Check out the speculative markets (oil/gas futures) and you'll see what I mean.

Back in the early 70s there was an "Oil Shortage".  Daddy owned an Amoco gas station and our gas was the first in town to hit $1.00 a gallon.  He had a "monthly credit" customer who drove in one day.  Daddy got the nozzle, put it in the tank, and started to pump the gas (I know, this is foreign to those of you under the age of 30).  Mr. Henry popped off "I ain't ever gonna pay a dollar for a gallon of gas," at which point Daddy removed the nozzle, hung it up, and said "You'll be walking in a couple of days." 

Miss the Good Old Days yet?

ME:  Who will win the Republican nomination?
ME:  Romney, hands down.  The Democrats want him to win--that's obvious--and the GOP seems just dumb enough at this point to play into their hands.

ME:  Okay...who will win the General Election?
ME:  Whoever gets the most votes.  Which is pretty much the case in anything where you keep score, except golf, which I hate.  Only in golf can you score the lowest and win.  And by the time you're finished playing you're sunburnt and hungover.

ME:  What's the capital of Ohio?
ME:  Columbus.  Many people think it's Cincinnati or Cleveland, but just as many don't realize Ohio is actually a state.  I also know my state slogans.  For instance, Georgia is the Peach State, Florida's the Sunshine State, Alabama's the Moron State, etc.

ME:  Will the world really end in 2012?
ME:  Yes.  Be ready.  If not, I've built an underground bunker and stocked up on Non-Perishable Food Items for nothing.

ME:  What's the secret to understanding women?
ME:  I once wrote a bestseller, Everything You Need To Know In Order To Understand Women.  It was amazing.  And blank from cover to cover.

ME:  Are you always this sarcastic?
ME:  No, sometimes I'm worst.  It's a blessing.  And a curse.

ME:  Thanks for my time.
ME:  I'm welcome.

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