Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I'm Baaaacccckkk....

I know all the readers of this blog missed me--all three of you--while I was out due to surgery for the last few weeks.

Well, I'm back and I have a story to tell.

First of all, I absolutely have the best family God ever blessed anyone with. My sweet wife nursed, prayed, and simply loved me back to health. My son Carder and daughter Emily were here for the surgery and I don't think we would have made it through that first weekend without them. Emily was constantly finding a way to bless me, and Carder slept on the couch as I slept in the recliner those first two nights. He got up and walked with me and talked me through one of the worst experiences of my life. My mom came by every day during my recovery at home and ran all my errands. There isn't enough gas to repay her for all she did. I am forever thankful for my family.

Now, on to the good stuff.

I entered the hospital at 5:30am on the morning of my prostate surgery. They gave me the "happy shot" and I was off to the races. Never felt better. I really couldn't tell anything was wrong with me based on how I felt. My doctor said most men die with prostate cancer, not of it. At times I wish I'd exercised that option. More on that later.

My biggest concern going in was having to wear a catheter for five days. Coming out, that was the least of my problems.

The catheter wasn't an issue, at least not for me. It was like wearing a plumber's auger connected to an industrial drain pipe which led to a septic tank. No problem.

Suffice it to say, moving around was an adventure. I had five "ports" in my abdomen where they inflated that area to gain access to the "surgical target". After the surgery, I still had some "inflation" from the helium they used, probably around 60 psi, much like a truck tire's inflation. No problem.

I had no appetite. I once loved coffee, but no more. Nothing sounded good to me, and nothing tasted good either. So far, I've lost over thirty pounds. No problem.

I couldn't have a bowel movement. No shit. Literally.


I took a laxative AND a stool softener to "keep things moving".

(If this is getting to be too much for you, stop here. You won't like what's coming up.)

The nuclear bomb dropped on Toiletshima three days later. Twelve stool softeners and three laxative pills (for "gentle relief") will make "things" move.

Jennie thought we were being attacked by terrorists. So did I, from the inside out.

My doctor stayed in touch, from a distance. When I asked him about my explosion, he said it was normal. Really. Maybe for an elephant.

I had questions. I couldn't eat or drink anything twelve hours before surgery, hadn't eaten a thimbleful of food since then, and now, at the end of four days, as I unstopped my system I stopped up the plumbing system, I wondered, was I really that full of crap?

Apparently so. My doctor wouldn't comment. My wife just looked at me knowingly when I asked her, and I'm sure y'all know it's true. I was that full of it.

Just not anymore. You can ask my toilet.


emily said...

i'm so glad you're back :)

Michael Ruffin said...

For goodness' sake, stop tempting me to agree with you on your self-assessment, which wouldn't be fair since I've not seen you in twenty years.


Reader #3