Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What Men Want

This is in response to my daughter's question on her blog. What do men really want?

I hope this helps, darlin'.

REAL MEN want to eat. Whoever said that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach wasn't lying, at least as far as I'm concerned. My sweetheart is an excellent, EXCELLENT cook. She makes stuff I like, doesn't force me to eat stuff I don't like (onions, squash, coconut, etc.), and is Southern through and through. She out-Paula's Paula Deen. I think they are twin sisters of different mothers. Remember there are four basic food groups: Fried, Steakhouse, Chocolate, and Krispy Kreme. You'll do fine if you keep that in mind.

REAL MEN want to watch football. Em, if your significant other doesn't like football, he's probably funny. To quote those great theologians John Boy and Billy, "That's funny quar, not funny ha-ha." Be very particular about the man you choose to spend your life and love with. Begin dating him during college football season and keep him around through the Super Bowl. That will reveal his true character. If he likes any college teams outside the Southeastern Conference or the ACC or any NFL team north of the Carolinas, dump the idiot.

REAL MEN love dogs and children. I'm talking about real dogs, not the sissy ones you see sometimes. No "P" dogs: poodles, pomeranians, and such. Real men love real dogs: bulldogs, retrievers, anything that can track, hunt, and kill their own food. In this way they are like their owners. The same goes for children: real boys that don't mind getting dirty or getting in trouble, can go for days without bathing, don't wash their hands often, and are hard to control. If you need insight on this, ask your mom. She has firsthand experience in this area. Girls need to be girls, just like you were. If the guy likes children who are like you, you'll be fine. And by the way, if the boy doesn't like your mom now, he won't like you later on. Don't cut him loose, just tell your brothers. They'll cut him for you.

REAL MEN are sensitive. This may go against conventional wisdom, but genuine men are truly sensitive. They enjoy long walks, cuddling, backrubs without any further expectations, crying at movies, and just talking quietly. They like all this just before they throw up. If your guy is all over one or more of these things without putting up a fight, run away. Run away.

Emily, I think the bottom line is that it doesn't really matter what a man wants, generally speaking. If he doesn't want you all the time, through good and bad, even through your "chocolate days", he ain't worth a bucket of cold spit. He doesn't deserve you, and you sure don't need him. He's a migraine-sized train wreck waiting to happen and you don't need to be on those tracks.

Be patient, baby, he'll come. And when he does, you'll know, he'll know, and I'll want to kill him. I'll have to let you go, and he never will. It'll be perfect.

I'll be miserable.


Michael Ruffin said...

I have never liked one of my daughter's boyfriends and I never plan to.

emily said...

Brilliant. Just brilliant.
You're the best dad... ever.