I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
When in doubt, mumble.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.