Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Definitions Are Good For You.

Cashtration (n.):  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxicaton:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.  Originated and is currently alive and flourishing in Congress in Washington D.C.

Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n):  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopeler Effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

But wait...there's more. 

Coffee, n.  The person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 

Abdicate, v.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 

Esplanade, v.  To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Lymph, v.  To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n.  Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n.  A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n.  A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n.  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n.  A Rastafarian proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism, n.  The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
So there.  Your free, worthless information for today.           

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