Prestige Letters

It hit me this morning that so, so many people are using letters after their names when they write letters or articles, on the signs outside their office or business.

To quote that great theologian Buckwheat, "What do it mean?"

Letters were rarer when I was younger. I remember Dr. Henry and Dr. Crawford, both M.D.s. I knew what the letters meant but I preferred to think they meant "My Doctor."

The church I attend has a pastor whose name appears on the weekly bulletin followed by "M. Div." I know what these letters mean: Master of Divinity. While the uninformed may think these letters have to do with a Southern candy delicacy, I know better. They show the person having them spent a lot of money, time, and effort in grad school only to end up with a few letters to show for it.

And then there's "D.D.S". Dentists have these letters. I don't like to go to the dentist. Years ago, a dentist pulling one of my wisdom teeth broke my jaw. First he put a steel piece in my mouth that he ratcheted open until I thought my lips were going to meet at the back of my head. Then he gave me several anesthesia shots in my jaw so I wouldn't feel anything. After that he took an air hammer and proceeded to extract the tooth in question. During this process he paused, leaned back and said, "I think I broke your jaw." I replied, "Whhaaant do nyeuw neene nyeuw nroke ny nyaw?" He didn't answer. I realized then these letters stood for "Damn, Dentists Suck."

I like what Lewis Grizzard said about his dentist. He said the dental hygienist was so beautiful that he'd eat an entire box of Oreos before he went in to get his teeth cleaned.

My urologist is an "M.D., F.A.C.S.". I have no idea. He'll be operating on me soon, so I'm sure it has something to do with inflicting great pain on a couple of body areas I don't want to have pain in, after which the operating room staff will survey his work and proclaim "Fine Ass-Cutting, Sir". I can't wait.

I've decided to get some letters of my own. I'll now display my name on anything followed by "SAWB, AMWL". Smart-Ass White Boy, A Man Without Letters.

I'm proud of that. I earned it.

I Believe...

A friend of mine sent this to me, and it's too good not to share:

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

Resume Idiocy

Actual information on resumes, from MadConomist.com, via Interesting Pile

1. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
2. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
3. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
4. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
5. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
6. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
7. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
8. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
9. I am a rabid typist.
10. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
11. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
12. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
13. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
14. Special skills: Thyping.
15. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
16. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
17. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
18. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
19. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
20. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
21. Referees available upon request.
22. Previous rank: Senior instigator.
23. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
24. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
25. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
26. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
27. Vocational plans: Sea World.

And we wonder why unemployment is so high.

If this is the future, I'm looking forward to the next fity years.

The Elvisity of It All

Elvis changed my life.

Well, Jesus changed it first, when I was seven, but Elvis wasn't far behind.

I'm not putting the two on par with each other, as some do. But the King of Rock and Roll was important to a true Southern boy growing up.

I had a toy tennis racket that Mama tied a string around so I could pretend I was playing a guitar, and off I went to Memphis to play with Elvis.

Hound Dog? No problem, you ain't nothing but a. Blue Suede Shoes? Don't step on 'em. Are You Lonesome Tonight? I can help out. Return to Sender? No such zone, no such code.

I was infected with a hip problem...mine wouldn't stop moving, and my leg swiveled when I sang.

It wasn't always cool to love Elvis, but I didn't care. I had the one-two-three-four, operation G.I. Blues.

I wasn't old enough to understand all about love, but I knew the King did. If only he had married Ann-Margret for real and not just in "Viva Las Vegas". If only.

I drove his race car, flew his helicopter, wore his clothes. I was the King, a few years and miles away from the actual person. All my friends wanted to be Elvis, but they were just poor impersonators. I had it down and wasn't ashamed of it. I could sneer, lip up, and sing his songs by heart.

I was on the beach at Daytona in the early 70's, laying on the sand after coming out of the ocean, when I felt a shadow over me. This older lady was standing there and she said, "Does anybody ever tell you that you look like Elvis?"

I said, "Thank you, thank you very much."

When Elvis left the building for the last time in 1977, my best friend heard it before I did and was hesitant to tell me because he knew how much I loved him. He pulled me aside that afternoon and told me "the King's gone, man."

Not as long as I'm around, he's not.

My daughter loves Elvis, thinks he's beautiful, and wants to know if I think he's in heaven.

I saw him in concert once and someone yelled out, "You're the King!" He replied, "There's only one King, and that's Jesus."

Is he in heaven? Absolutely. He was raised right before he was raised on rock, a church-going, Jesus-loving Southern boy. Black velvet and angel wings.

He once said that all he ever really wanted to do was sing gospel music. I guess now he is, over in the Promised Land.

Suspicious Minds? You know I'd never lie to you, baby.

Thankyouthankyouverymuch, Elvis. Happy Birthday.

The Other "C" Word

I got my test results yesterday from the urologist. The tests show that my cancer's confined to the prostate. Those are the tidings of great joy that shall be to all to all people.

I am, to put it mildly, relieved.

Now for the other "C" word.

I was in a wreck when I was fifteen and severely injured. Late that night, in the hospital, the nurse told me I needed to "void" into a bottle. Or else.

I had back surgery when I was twenty-two. Surgery in the afternoon, then around midnight, the nurse (a different one) told me I needed to "void" into a bottle. Or else.

Or else what? you might ask.

Or else they would insert a catheter to drain my bladder.

Catheter, for the medically challenged, comes from a Greek word which means "to force a large pipe into a small hole causing as much pain and misery as possible."

The doctor told me, as part of my surgical procedure, that I would be "wearing" a catheter for 6-10 days. I don't understand. It's not like wearing a coat or wearing a necklace or wearing a smile. Definitely not like wearing a smile.

My sweetheart had to have a catheter when she had surgery once. She thinks I'm a baby. I think she's (kind of) enjoying this (I'll debate anyone--anytime--about the indisputable fact that women are amused when men are in pain).

There's a reason they call private parts "private". Other than your mother when you're a child, your teammates when you play football, and your wife, no one--NO ONE--should be allowed in the dome of privacy.

Mine will be violated sometime in January.

I can't wait.

But If Not...

According to the American Cancer Society, 1,437,180 people in the U.S. will be diagnosed with cancer this year.

Make that 1,437,181. I got the news today.

After my biopsy experience (see previous blogs) I had my follow-up today. The right side of my prostate is covered in cancer and the left side has one spot on it. Why the inequality I have no idea, although I am right-handed and tend to lean right politically.

That news was enough for me. But wait, there's more!

On an "aggressiveness scale" (whatever that is), with 2 being the least aggressive and 10 the most, I scored an 8. That means there's a 50/50 chance that the cancer has spread elsewhere. I now have a bone scan and CT scan scheduled for next week, after which I'll find out what's next.

What's next.

A few days ago, I read this verse from Daniel where the three Hebrew teenage boys responded to a cruel king who was threatening to throw them into a furnace and burn them alive if they didn't bow to his image:

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be know to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image you have set up."


My understanding of cancer is that it is cruel and unforgiving, irrespective of whom it affects. It is a Killer King to those it encounters.

I believe the Lord will heal me. The doctor and I agreed it's out of our hands.

But if not, I will not bow down.

By the way, the teenagers got thrown into the furnace by the king. When he looked in to make sure they had burned up, he saw a fourth Person in there with them.

He's here with me, too.

Sarcasm Is A Gift

Don't ever doubt it. Here's what I mean:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

The idea 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'
proves two things. 1) UFOs have landed here, and 2) the idea obviously came from another planet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after
you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.