From here, some things you may not know about Valentine's Day, just in time.
1--Women Spend Half As Much As Men--no surprise here. It's like, "Look, Honey, after you got me that $8 card, the $39 roses, the diamond ring and car, I got you _____" ($.99 card, Hershey bar, McGift Certificate). Remember, love is never having to say you're sorry if you're a man, and never having to get an expensive gift if you're a woman.
2--Condom Sales Are Highest On Valentine's Day--I did not know this. I did not need to know this. I wish I didn't know this.
3--Pregnancy Test Sales Are Highest In March--apparently, Number 2 didn't work out too well.
4--Florists Raise Prices On Valentine's Day--go figure. Flower prices are jacked up around 30% for February 14. In the car business, it's called "taking somebody's head off". In floral circles, it's called making a profit. How do they make money the other eleven months of the year? Oh, yeah. Funerals and weddings. Don't get me started.
5--Pets Get Valentines Too--as many as nine million people purchase Valentine's gifts for their pets. These are the same people who complain about the homeless. It's a dog's life.
6--Women Buy Their Own Gifts--if you don't have your sweetheart's present yet, don't worry. She'll handle it her own self. See #1.
7--Romance Is Irrelevant--most Valentine gifts go to, in order, 1) teachers 2) children 3) mamas 4) wives/girlfriends. I wonder in which category the pets are found. Oh wait, I think I know.
8--Women Prefer Cards To Flowers--to quote that great philosopher Michael Scott, don't be an idiot. They don't prefer cards from you. They buy over 80% of all the Valentine's Day cards sold. Mostly for their mamas and chihuahuas. Sorry, Charlie.
9--Men Are Stupid--while stating the obvious, I'm referring to the fact that men buy over 70% of all flowers sold on Valentine's Day. See #4. Feel stupid? Now you can feel stupider.
10--Japanese Men Are Stupid, Too, Just Luckier--the Japanese chocolate industry targets women buyers on Valentine's Day. Japanese women are encouraged, nay, coerced, into buying chocolate for their husbands/boyfriends for Valentine's Day. Suddenly I don't feel so dumb after all. Just jonesing for some brownies.
Happy Valentine's Day.