Things You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day

From here, some things you may not know about Valentine's Day, just in time.

1--Women Spend Half As Much As Men--no surprise here.  It's like, "Look, Honey, after you got me that $8 card, the $39 roses, the diamond ring and car, I got you _____" ($.99 card, Hershey bar, McGift Certificate).  Remember, love is never having to say you're sorry if you're a man, and never having to get an expensive gift if you're a woman.

2--Condom Sales Are Highest On Valentine's Day--I did not know this.  I did not need to know this.  I wish I didn't know this.

3--Pregnancy Test Sales Are Highest In March--apparently, Number 2 didn't work out too well.

4--Florists Raise Prices On Valentine's Day--go figure.  Flower prices are jacked up around 30% for February 14.  In the car business, it's called "taking somebody's head off".  In floral circles, it's called making a profit.  How do they make money the other eleven months of the year?  Oh, yeah.  Funerals and weddings.  Don't get me started.

5--Pets Get Valentines Too--as many as nine million people purchase Valentine's gifts for their pets.  These are the same people who complain about the homeless.  It's a dog's life.

6--Women Buy Their Own Gifts--if you don't have your sweetheart's present yet, don't worry.  She'll handle it her own self.  See #1.

7--Romance Is Irrelevant--most Valentine gifts go to, in order, 1) teachers 2) children 3) mamas 4) wives/girlfriends.  I wonder in which category the pets are found.  Oh wait, I think I know.

8--Women Prefer Cards To Flowers--to quote that great philosopher Michael Scott, don't be an idiot.  They don't prefer cards from you.  They buy over 80% of all the Valentine's Day cards sold.  Mostly for their mamas and chihuahuas.  Sorry, Charlie.

9--Men Are Stupid--while stating the obvious, I'm referring to the fact that men buy over 70% of all flowers sold on Valentine's Day.  See #4.  Feel stupid?  Now you can feel stupider.

10--Japanese Men Are Stupid, Too, Just Luckier--the Japanese chocolate industry targets women buyers on Valentine's Day.  Japanese women are encouraged, nay, coerced, into buying chocolate for their husbands/boyfriends for Valentine's Day.  Suddenly I don't feel so dumb after all.  Just jonesing for some brownies.

Happy Valentine's Day.