Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Blinded By The Light

I don't normally whine and complain, irregardless of what people may think.  And I use "irregardless" with utmost respecterance.

But I have to say something.

As I've said before, I live in Mayberry.  I fully expect every time I go into town to see Barney sitting outside the Courthouse, Andy at Floyd's Barber Shop, and Goober/Gomer at Wally's Service Station.  But I can't go to town after dark without getting blinded by some folks' headlights.  Coming and going.  Why is that?

Before the advent of "day/night" rearview mirrors (a lifetime ago) I watched Daddy's eyes as vehicles would pull up beside/behind him with their bright lights on.  He never blinked at the blinding rays.  I was amazed.

(Later I would discover that Daddy could out-stare anybody.  Anytime, anywhere.  It's like his eyes never needed moisture.  I'm sure this came in handy the night he took all my money in a Blackjack game before advising me to "never play another man's game, son".)

Anyway...I don't have the gift of non-blinking at three-gazillion candlepower headlights, foglights, driving lights, turn signals, and roof -mounted coon-hunting lights.  I just get mad.

In my mind I have designed numerous retaliatory contraptions, none of which have been picked up by manufacturers.

I thought about outside rearview mirrors which would sense when a vehicle behind me had their highbeams on and automatically adjust to redirect the lights into the approaching driver's eyes, effectively blinding him/her as he/she blinded me.  Just temporarily.  Long enough for them to pull over and put their eyeballs back in the sockets.

I dreamed about a mirror-like plate mounted at the top of the backseat, diamond-coated, with a remote  switch (actually at the time it was a cord I could just yank at will) to flip that sucker up and render every driver behind me sightless, whereupon they would blame the jacked-up truck with 34 headlights and proceed to beat the living snot out of him/her.  And his/her vehicle lighting system as well.

(I use him/her frequently/often because I don't want to want to be fair and equally offensive to all the jackasses who drive with their highbeams on.)

Obviously, none of these inventions ever saw the light of day.  Or the highbeams of an approaching idiot.

So I drive on, headlights on high, oblivious to other drivers.  Flash 'em all you want, I'm not dimming mine.  In fact, I think I'll get some HID headlights for my clunker.  So, if you meet my truck, you'll know it.  I'll be the one with the stage spotlight mounted on top and the "Honk If You Love Jesus" sticker on the back. 

That'll show 'em.  Have a nice day.

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