Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Worst Christmas Songs. Ever.

The radio stations up here went Christmas Crazy the day after Thanksgiving, filling the airwaves with Good Tidings of Great Joy.  Christmas greetings may be politically incorrect but they are apparently big bucks on radio, with every station competing to be the ORIGINAL! or ONLY! authentic Holiday Station for the area.  As a tribute to all that is good about Christmas I'm sharing my Worst Christmas Songs list.  Now you can find other lists here, here, and here, but these are some of my personal nightmares.  You're entitled to your own opinion, wrong as it may be.

"Dominick The Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey)", Lou Monte, 1997.  I just had to add this one for novelty value.  I've never heard it.  Nor do I want to.

"Baby It's Cold Outside", by anyone who ever made a Christmas album.  Face it, everybody knows what this song is about.  That just makes it worse than bad.

"Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas", John Denver, 1975.  I can't stand anything John Denver does.  I had an interview with an A&M Records exec years ago when our band was shopping a demo tape and I asked him about two artists:  The Carpenters and John Denver.  The Carpenters stunk in concert because they couldn't duplicate their overdubbed vocals from their albums;  John Denver didn't live in rural Colorado but in a downtown Denver condo.  And his songs were ghostwritten.  Please, Daddy, Don't Play John Denver This Christmas.

"Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto", James Brown, 1995.  AAAEEEEEE (spin around on one foot while your cape flies behind you).  Try and find this one in the Christmas music section this year.  It ain't happening.  James Brown is to Christmas music as Congress is to progress.

"Feliz Navidad", Jose Feliciano (and countless others).  I'll hear it several times this season.  And my head will explode each time.  Sing it now:  I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas,  From the bottom.

"All I Want For Christmas", Mariah Carey.  Unbearable at any volume.  She and Celine Dion sound like somebody killing a cat.

"Christmas Shoes", NewSong.  It's a sad story.  It brings tears to your eyes.  It has nothing to do with Christmas.   At all.

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", Elmo and Patsy.  Love it or hate it, it's outsold "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby.  I am not making this up.  On the other side, it's always a hit in the mountains where I live.

"Santa Baby", Madonna, 1987.  Not even close to Eartha Kitt, whose version I really like.  Madonna should not sing Christmas songs.  Or any songs, for that matter.  Or adopt children.  The list goes on and on and on.

"A Wonderful Christmastime", Paul McCartney, 1979.  When I hear the first bars of this song I know Yuletide is near.  I just hope a trash can is near as well.

"Happy Christmas (War Is Over)", John Lennon/Yoko Ono.  John Lennon could take "Happy Birthday" and make it tragic.  Again, my head explodes, my stomach cramps up, and I have difficulty breathing.  Then I turn the radio off and vow never to listen to that station again.  Ever.

There are more, I'm sure, but this is my list.  Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas.

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