Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Florida, A Great Place To Be...From

From the Lakeland Ledger, an article that makes me glad I live in the mountains of Northeast Georgia.

Now, I'm sure that weird things happen in Dahlonega and Lumpkin County and other places in Georgia.  I'm just as sure that we don't hold a candle to the weird stuff that happened in Florida this past year.

A congressman asked the House Speaker if she would shut down Congress so he and the representatives from Oklahoma could watch the Gators and Sooners play for the National Championship.  Speaker Pelosi said no.  In hindsight, considering all that Congress did to for America this year, that might not have been such a bad idea.

Somebody in the Ocala area got arrested for driving a lawnmower into a school bus while he was--how can I say this nicely--dog drunk.  Two more imbibers stole a freight train--A FREIGHT TRAIN--and made it seven miles before they were stopped.  A guy in Clearwater was arrested for driving drunk.  Authorities may never have noticed him if he hadn't been in a car with only three tires.

Two other Floridians, shining examples of character, were arrested for fighting over $3 in gas money, using a fish tank and a beer bottle as weapons.  No word on what happened to the fish.  Or the beer.

Again, in the Ocala area, a fellow was arrested for driving a motorcycle.  Naked.  And drunk.  At least in the mountains us rednecks know enough to keep our clothes on while drinking and driving.

Another example of the naked truth:  a 91-year-old man--completely nude-- held a 21-year-old intruder at gunpoint until the police arrived.  It's unknown where he was hiding the gun, but the visual is enough to make you queasy.

I lived in South Florida for twenty-four years.  I saw a lot of weird people, places, and things.  But it seems 2009 was the year of the perfect storm.  A weird, perfect storm.

A man broke into an 82-year-old man's home, waving a toy gun.  The homeowner waved a real gun.  And used it.  The would-be robber was 24 years old at the time of his death.  As that great theologian Neal Boortz would say,  DRT--Dead Right There.

A man in Jacksonville tried to steal a ferret by stuffing it in his pants.  Near Daytona, a 19-year-old man was arrested after he threw a taco at his mama when she unplugged his video game.  Elsewhere, a woman was arrested after she hit a man in the head with a raw steak when he refused a piece of bread.  One dad was arrested for slapping his daughter with a slice of pizza when she didn't turn off her computer.  In Port St. Lucie a husband rubbed a hamburger in his wife's face after she poured soda over it.

And don't complain about your calzone in West Palm Beach.  A store owner there pistol-whipped two guys who did.

In Brooksville, home of the state's mental institution, the city council voted to require city employees to wear underwear.  It isn't clear if the ordinance covers employees when they're off-duty.

In Fort Pierce a woman called 911 when a local McDonald's ran out of Chicken McNuggets.  Apparently a Filet-O-Fish just wouldn't do.  This made national news.

And last, but not least, a Lakeland junior-high student can no longer ride the bus after he farted to make other riders laugh and stunk up the bus.

And in my Dahlonega?  Last week deputies were called to Papa John's after an employee called to say another worker was hitting him on the arm and wouldn't stop even after he was asked to.  And he kept calling the employee a "big baby" when he complained.

We have a long way to go if we're going to catch Florida before 2010.